My Journey to Yoga: Yes, A Shoediva Can Do This!

These are the books that led me to Bikram Yoga.

Camel Posture:

It only took 20 Classes for me to do this once!

My Dad wants to know if I've "gone crunchy." This question leads me to believe that I must be on the right track of whatever I'm looking for.

I've been on a conscious spiritual journey for the two years now. Looking back over the course of my life, I have been on a spiritual journey for most of my life, I just didn't know it. I'm not sure if it was the fact I grew up in a home without any religious instruction or belief or if it is a natural progression of my curious mind. It really doesn't matter why I have been on this journey, only that I continue until I have found the peace for which I have been searching. My journey has been a curious one. I certainly never envisioned myself finding happiness in the 105 degree heat of a yoga studio or the retreats at Kripalu, but I have. If I can find my way here, just about anyone can.

My journey started with the nagging questions we all have. "Why are we here?" "What is the meaning of life?" "How can I find happiness?" I searched for these answers in many places: higher eduction, the racks and shelves of new designer shoes, the bottom of a wine bottle, and everywhere in between. It wasn't until my late 30s that I realized I wasn't looking in the right places. I tried organized religion, but I can't warm my heart to the exclusionary nature of any of them. Jews are the "Chosen People." Only the "Saved" get to heaven.I got the message that if you don't belong, then God doesn't bless you. I feel, in the well of my soul, that that cannot possibly be the case.

After taking stock of my obsessive need to spend, I realized that I was trying to buy security, comfort and peace. I was only making myself miserable and financially unstable. I began looking for something else to keep me busy so I wouldn't shop. I turned to my great other passion: reading books. I stumbled upon "Eat, Pray, Love" because of its prominent display at the bookstore. I fell in love with its message. To find yourself you have to find yourself. Huh? What I understood from reading this was that the only way to find any peace and meaning in this life was to be still and find out who I am. The author did it by eating her way through Italy, praying her way through India and finding love in Bali. I can't very well do that with a husband and 4 boys in tow, but I can be still. That started me thinking which led me to "Women, Food and God."

This book helped me see that any change I need to make in my relationships; my relationship with food, money, family and friends, has to come from being present in each moment. I have to stop and appreciate where I am right now and stop my obsession with the past (which is over and done with) and my obsession with the future (which I have no control over.) The only thing I ever have is this present moment. The book lead me to a retreat at Kripalu where the author, Geneen Roth, was instructing. That retreat introduced me to meditation. I had a powerful moment of "the Presence of God" while meditation on the topic of what love looks like. My overwhelming vision of love and the presence of God in that moment transformed my thinking from the abstract to the concrete. I learned that my search was not futile and that I was on the right path. I learned that "God" was inside me, inside each of us if we look hard enough.

I read, in succession, "Expecting Adam," "Buddha: A Story of Enlightenment", "Devotion" and "The Art of Happiness." "Expecting Adam" is a memoir that helped me realized that the most rational, educated, non-religious person in the world can find everyday magic and spirituality in just about anything without even trying to find it. "Buddha" was to satisfy my curiosity as to this spiritual figure, but what it did was open up the possibility that spirituality was not necessarily something to find in a church, a mosque or a temple. It confirmed for me that which I instinctively felt when trying to find a religion to belong. "Devotion" confirmed my suspicion that to find stillness, and therefore, to find answers, I needed to find a way to make yoga and meditation a part of my life. Finally, "The Art of Happiness" capped my belief that the Buddhist traditions are worth learning much more about.

In the midst of all this, I went thorough one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. My friend and neighbor tried to help by getting me to exercise. She was pushing me to try Bikram Yoga, the yoga that is practiced in 105 degree heat. I told her I was willing to try, as I had never tried yoga (not even at my trip to Kripalu) but I didn't tell her the thought scared the hell out of me. I hate the heat. I turn my air conditioner on when it gets of 78. I hate to sweat. I hate that sticky, breathless feeling of high humidity. I pretended I was sick when we were set to attend my first class. Thankfully, she persisted and I was dragged off to my first class in March.

It was both harder than I anticipated and easier than I imagined. The heat was very uncomfortable but after it was over, my body felt great. I was in better shape than I thought but so much less flexible than I imagined. I wanted to pass out and throw up that first day, but when it was over I was both exhausted and energized. At the end of my first class, I started to cry. Cry?!? What the hell was this? I was crying because my spirit was so happy that I had found this place. I felt a huge well of sadness, lethargy and depression let loose and rise up. I was where I needed to be and I knew it.

For those of you who don't know, Bikram Yoga is a yoga practice that demands the repetition of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. The class is 90 minutes long and it opens and closes with breathing. The 26 postures are done in successive pairs and these postures never change no matter how many times you do it. Class #1 is exactly the same as class #100. The idea is that these 26 postures work every muscle, every organ, every system and every cell in your body. The heat relaxes the muscles and allows for the more efficient release of fatty acids and toxins. I don't have any idea if this is true (I'm a lawyer not a doctor!) but I do know that the pain in my lower back is incredibly diminished, my depressive symptoms are currently nonexistent and I have slept through the night on a regular basis for the first time in over a year. Whatever this is, it is working miracles on my mind and body.

Since March, I have attended 22 classes. The owner, Sara Curry, is my favorite instructor because she has a wonderful sense of humor but she is very serious about teaching. She drives us hard, and we hate her in those moments, but are grateful when it is over. She doesn't let anyone get away with anything. "There is no try, there is only do," said Yoda. It could have just as easily been Sara who said that. This isn't to say that I haven't learned a great deal from the other instructors. Bridget has reminded me time and again that the first object is to breathe. I have no doubt that this lesson is so hard for me to learn because I have spent most of my life anywhere except in the present moment. It's easier for me to hold my breath and worry about the next posture than it is to slow down and breathe through the one I'm in. Andie got down on the floor and corrected some of my more troublesome postures. I was amazed at how a subtle adjustment of my hand or hip can change my entire body's response to a posture. Mike calls out the postures in a voice that just sounds "happy" to me. When I don't want to do one more thing and my mind is screaming "Just quit, for God's sake!" I hear joy in his voice. It makes the "quit" voice stop and I feel just a tiny bit happier too. In reflection, each instructor has given me a different piece of the puzzle. These are all the lessons of yoga: patience, persistence, breath, precision and joy.

As for that damn camel posture, it turns out that this is the posture that specifically helps heal the lower back as well as stave off anxiety and depression. I tried and tried and tried to do it and for the longest time my mind rebelled. I felt nauseous. I felt dizzy. I felt anxious. I was scared to do it. My mind was fighting what my body needed most. When I finally got into this pose, I thought, "This is it? This is what I have been freaking out about?" Funny how that happens. "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt" is a piece of wisdom in which I firmly believe. If you don't want to do it, pay attention, it is something you need very much indeed.

My intent is to continue with this yoga practice and add to it a practice of quiet meditation as well as continuing to learn more about Buddhist thought and tradition. I have learned that intent is one thing, moving through each moment, one at a time and paying to it my full attention is quite another. I am curious and excited to see where this journey of the spirit leads me next.

Dad, if this means I am "crunchy," than I guess I am okay with that. But don't worry, my designer shoes will still stay designer and with heels. I have yoga now to straighten out my back...