"Do You Light Up?"
We see ourselves reflected through the light of the ones we love.
I just heard the most important question any mother can ever ask herself. I, like most mothers, think that my kids know I love them. I kiss them goodnight, I hug them goodbye, I make sure they are washed, fed and clothed and I go the extra mile for whatever they might want or need. I thought that this was enough to convey the message that they are loved and wanted, that they are important and special, that they are enough just by being them. That's what I thought, at least until now.
I was watching an Oprah episode today on my DVR. It seems like it would be interesting enough, as it was about all the most important lessons from her 25 years on the air. My breath was taken away by this little snippet of a conversation between Oprah, Toni Morrison (Pulitzer Prize winning author) and a room of other women whom I didn't recognize. The conversation seemed to flow like a million conversations we have all experienced before as women. The topic was gently but naturally turned to the unexpected. Toni was describing how when her children enter a room, she would check them out from head to toe: is their hair combed, is the fly up, are the socks on, etc. This is an act of love and care from a mother. She knew instinctively that is why she was doing it, after all, if she didn't care she wouldn't bother. Somehow she thought that was the instinctive message her children were receiving. Nothing could have been further from the truth. What her children would see would be her "scrutiny" face. The message they would receive from this once over is, "What is wrong and how do I fix it?" They would not be feeling her love or her caring, only her judgment. The ultimate message they receive is that they must meet some standard set by mother to be validated. This was never the message she intended to send, but it was sent nonetheless.
I have spend 40 years on a quest to accept myself as enough. I had a breakthrough in 2009 during a retreat at Kirpalu. I saw, in a meditation image, as clear and real as anything before my eyes now, a divine message that I was enough. Just being alive, just caring for my family, just having a heart full of love and compassion, was enough. I didn't need to be saving the world, earning a great deal of money or completing thousands of impossible tasks. I didn't need to prove anything to myself or anyone else. I was enough. That moment of clarity has given me much need validation, comfort and peace. It is a message I had never heard before nor had I ever really believed. I do not know why that was the case, is just was. Knowing that I am enough has shifted my life perspective, changed how I see myself, and what I want from this life. If I could wish one thing for all those that I love, it would be this divine knowledge.
I am a very stressed mother. I have four boys and they keep me running from one thing to the next with little time to breathe in between. I do four or five loads of laundry each day, prepare at least three meals (take out counts!) supervise baths, homework and clean-up, provide rides to activities, referee disputes, kiss boo-boos and read bedtime stories. I am exhausted at the end of each and every day. Sometimes the kids don't listen. Sometimes I a sick of all the bickering. Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers because I do not one more person asking me to do something, find something or fix something. I am often edgy, grumpy and snappish because I feel like I am moving at a million miles an hour and getting nowhere. I often wonder how my stress level is affecting my children. Do they only see Mom as harried, nagging and tired? Do they know that I am killing myself with all of this because of how much I love them? Maybe. Maybe Not.
So, the question becomes, "Do I light up?" Toni asks us if when our children enter the room, do we light up? Does the light in our eyes shine for the children we have brought into this world? Is it clear that we are happy to see them? Do these little people get the message that they are enough just by being present in our lives? If we can save the judgment, the stress, the tasks for only a few seconds, until after we "light up" we can give them the world. We can save them from a life long search for validation because they will know that just by being they are enough. More than anything else we can provide for them, this is the most important thing we can give our children. More important than new clothes, more important than running around to sporting events, music lessons and play dates, more important than cutting their fingernails, cleaning their faces and tying their shoes. We can light up for them.
We see ourselves reflected through the light of the ones we love.
Light up for those you love today.
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