Do I Really Want to Go Back to Work?!?

I am a lawyer. I worked my ass off in college (ok, the last 2 years) and in law school. I worked even harder to pass the bar. Lest there be any confusion, there is absolutely no relation between the two. I was never so proud of myself as I was in the moment I found out I passed the bar. I was a lawyer, damn it! I had a license to kick your ass in a court of law if you crossed me. It was a feeling I cannot adequately describe. It was one of power, prestige and accomplishment all rolled into one big hot fudge sundae. Never mind that I didn't have a job at the time. I was a force to be reckoned with.

I finally did get a job. I worked as an indigent criminal defense lawyer. I worked as an appellate defender. I worked as a divorce lawyer. I worked as a criminal prosecutor. I even ran a domestic violence unit as a prosecutor. It was hard work; time consuming, emotionally draining, frustrating and totally exhilarating. I was a tough lawyer who loved the adrenalin of the courtroom. I couldn't image doing anything else, well, except for being a buyer for Saks.

Fast forward to today. It has been an unbelievable eight years since I was a practicing lawyer. I have been through all types of emotional phases since then. I worked through denial; Yes, I am am home with the children, but I am a lawyer. I worked through anger; Why the hell am I at home with these kids? What the hell did I do to myself? I worked through embarrassment; I used to be a lawyer (i.e. I'm really smart and I want you to know it because if I didn't work it into the conversation, you wouldn't be impressed with me as a stay-at-home mom.) I am now in the acceptance phase; I have chosen this life and I am relatively content with it. It took me two trips to the yoga retreat center, a healthy medicine chest and more than a few retail therapy trips, but I am here and accepting. Yet, in the back of my mind, I am often questioning why it has been so difficult to get back to work. I want to go back to work, right?

I recently offered to help my sister with a sticky employment situation. After all, I was a tough lawyer. If she couldn't negotiate her way through it, I certainly could swoop in and fix it all. As she signed a release for me to talk to her powers that be, my husband commented that it was my license to yell at people on her behalf. We all laughed. Who knew how prophetic those joking words would become.

I was absolutely shocked with the condescending, arrogant manner in which I was treated while trying to iron out the situation for my sister. In the eight years that have intervened between my last job and that moment on the phone, I had totally blocked out the down side of being a lawyer. I'd forgotten how contentious it could be. I didn't think about the lack of collegiality, common courtesy and simple human kindness that accompanies many attorneys when facing off on opposite sides of an issue. To come to my current state of acceptance, I have worked a great deal on the idea of kindness and compassion as the foundation for a happy life. If happiness is what I am truly seeking, I'm not so sure I will find any shadow of it in returning to the practice of law. After hanging up the telephone upon the conclusion of this latest conversation, it took me two hours to calm down. I was furious! How could someone talk to me that way?! Who the hell did she think she was?! On top of it all, I couldn't even fix the problem for her. I was a running buzz saw and God help anyone who crossed my path!

Then it hit me. She probably talks to dozens of people that way every week during the course of her job. She is a product of what she does and how she goes about doing it. I am not her, God willing, I will never be. Did I really want to get all worked up over ever little legal battle? Did I want to spend all my time and energy arguing over small details, nuances and shades of meaning? I knew in one of those "A-Ha Moments" that Here is much better than There after all. I'm sure that is why my job search has not born fruit. I am not meant to go back to that at this point in my life. I am content to wait and see what I am meant to do. I'm sure it will hold intellectual stimulation, a sense of accomplishment and most importantly, the pursuit of happiness.