Personal Responsibility: My "AHA" Moment

We are each responsible for the energy we chose to project.

I have been struggling with articulating a lesson I think that my children need to learn. I am often troubled when I believe their attitude is less than positive. I had occasion lately to give lectures (that sound more like sermons) on the reasons why they should feel privileged, grateful, blessed and happy when they appear to be acting in ways that demonstrate selfishness, impatience and entitlement. I have felt these lectures are less than effective in cutting through to the heart of the matter. I know they are young, and this is a tough life lesson to really get. It often takes age, wisdom and years of experience to understand how good we have it when we feel in the momement that we don't have it so good at all. Then I had an "AHA" moment. I am not always living what I am preaching.

I spend a great deal of time and energy trying to control my environment. I have a busy, noisy, chaotic household of four boys and the busy life that accompanies them. I set schedules, cajole, herd and manage just about every aspect of life that occurs around here. Because of that, I am often harried, stressed and distracted. I would estimate that about 60% of my time with my family is spent with furrowed brows, hands on hips and sighs of exasperation. The energy I am putting out is what is fueling our household. My energy, more often than not, says, "Hurry up!" and "Do it right." I am responsible for these messages. I chose what I project in each given moment. How can I expect my children to understand this lesson when it has taken me 43 years to understand it?

I have mastered the life lesso where I feel blessed. I know I have a fulfilling, happy life full of love and life. I have been actively focused on understanding and receiving this message for many, many years. I felt that if I could move beyond the feeling of unworthiness that had dogged me for most of my life, I would find myself in a place of peace. As with all life lessons, I didn't know that this was only the starting place. Now that I understand my blessings, I have to project them. It isn't enough to know that my life is good, I have to project that understanding into the space that I inhabit to really make a difference. To understand something intellectually is very different than making it part of my daily living. Because I spend much of my life and energy trying to control things, my energy is often not positive. I need to let go a bit. I need to smile more. I need to live what I now know; I have a good life.

Just today I have put up a new frame in my kitchen. In it are these words: "Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space." It my new mantra for living. It is a reminder for me to live my life lesson. It is a reminder to teach what I know to my children. It is a reminder that what I bring to the space I inhabit creates my reality. My energy will be more positive, more calm and more loving so I may teach these lessons to my children. I am grateful I have finally both received and heard this message.

Now, you can make a difference. Take this into your heart and pass it on.

Bridesmaids: A Movie Review

Raunchy, Hilarious, Sweet, Silly, Touching, Cringe-Worthy,

Pee-Your-Pants Funny, Sad, Lovely, Nostalgic,

"Was I Really That Stupid Once?!?"

Miss Some Lines Because Everyone Around You Is Laughing So Loud,

Groovin' Soundtrack,

Squirming In Your Seat Uncomfortable,

Diet-Coke-Squirting-Out-of-Your-Nose Because You Are Laughing Too Hard,

"God, I Miss My High School Girl Friends/ Bridesmaids/Sorority Sisters,"

Romantic, Slapstick, Gross-Out,

"I Really Need to Get in Contact With (insert name here) Because I Haven't Talked To Her In Ages,"

Totally Worth the High Price of a Movie Ticket, and Truly Authentic...

Just The Best Damn Chick Flick Ever Made.

Farewell Oprah Show and Farewell To the Oprah Show Contests

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Oprah is ending her 25 year run as the queen of daytime talk. I am going to miss her show, as it has inspired me, uplifted me and entertained me over the last 10 or so years since I became a devotee. I have participated in her book club, her Debt Diet and her web casts. She inspired me to think more about my spirituality, my level of compassion and my everyday thankfulness. I keep a gratitude journal and I embarked on a year long Giving Project because of her. I didn't always love every show she did, nor did I always agree with everything she said, but I find her authenticity, earnestness and compassion very compelling. There isn't anyone else like her on the small screen and I wonder who, if anyone, will fill the void when she goes off the air. There is far too much reality, tabloid and plain ole' bad t.v. out there, so the void will be obvious and immense indeed.

The one thing I will not miss is the contests. Contests you ask?! If there was a contest associated with the Oprah Winfrey Show in the last 8 years, I entered it. I entered about a dozen contests to meet her, go to a spa with her, to get tickets to her show and to travel with her. I wrote letters, designed collages on postcards, sent photographs and penned poetry. I would get myself worked up into an anticipatory excitement at the mere possibility of winning a coveted spot in whatever contest was underway. Every single time I was shut out. I never got so much as a courtesy reply in return for all this energy and enthusiasm. I have to admit, I was getting pissed off right around the time she picked about a billion ultimate viewers to fill the Chicago stadium for her last shows. Of course, I was not chosen. Then I had an "Ah-Ha" moment while watching part one of the grand finale.

I was sitting on my couch, remote in one hand, Kleenex in the other watching the 3rd to the last Oprah episode. It was a grand spectacle that rivaled an Oscar production; replete with badly written dialogue, splashy song and dance numbers and a full orchestra to cue us in on the really emotional stuff. It was working and I loved every minute of it. I was more than a bit veclempt watching everyone send Oprah off with heartfelt farewells. What really captured my attention was a segment on the children who grew up watching Oprah. One child said something to the effect that because of her, she realized that she was not to blame for the abuse she suffered. Whoa. That was very powerful. Oprah reached into the life of a child, one she had never met and thorough the power of her show changed this child's life. That child was more than an ultimate viewer. She is an ultimate survivor. There was much more to this than Hollywood-type production. This was about the power of one and paying it forward.

Because of this segment, started paying closer attention to the people featured in these last shows and in the accompanying articles in O Magazine. One woman's life was saved because she watched a show on what to do during an abduction. Never let them take you to another location was the message. She got it and fought like hell when an abductor tried to do just that. It saved her life. Another women was able to stand on the precipice of despair without falling into the abyss when her 13 month old daughter died. All because of a show she watched about that very same thing. The rawness, the compassion and the openness of dealing with the death of a small child on Oprah's show was all that tethered her to her shattered life. Then Oprah told the story of how she was stopped in a grocery store and was told because of her show on physical abuse, this woman stopped beating her children. She told Oprah it was all she knew. She had been beat. Her mother had been beat. Now that she stopped the beatings, she had different children and wanted to thank her. Stories like these go on and on. Oprah really did change people's lives, one person at a time.

I realized, after taking all of this in, there was a reason I never won one of those contests. I was not deserving. By that I mean, I was not deserving in the way that so many of these stories illustrate what it means to be deserving. There are thousands if not millions of people out there that needed to win these contests so much more than I did. I have a wonderful life and very few real struggles. The few struggles I have, I have weathered with the help of family, friends, self determination and strength. I have not lost a child, a spouse, a home, a job or a limb. I have not been beaten, raped, discriminated against nor left to survive alone in this world. I am not barren, cancer ridden or brain damaged. I am blessed. Sure, I would love to meet Oprah and experience all the accompanying excitement that goes with winning one of her contests. But my well being doesn't depend upon it. I hope that the winners of all those contests that I lost were people who really needed to win. I hope their lives were made just a bit better by the winning. The thought makes me smile. Wasn't that the whole point of the show? We all need to be more compassionate, to be more grateful for our blessings and to understand each other's stories. I know I understand my own story just a bit better from watching Oprah and losing all those Oprah contests.

Thanks for all those lessons, Oprah.

If These Shoes Could Talk: Shoe Shopping in NYC

MICHAEL Michael Kors

Seaside Wedge Sandal

New York City

June 2009

It's Monday! That means it's time for "Conversations from My Closet"...

I am a girly-girl to the core. There is very little I love more than quality girl time and shoe shopping. When you mix the two, I am in girly-girl heaven. Once a year, I try to plan a girls weekend. Lately, I have been lucky enough to have such a weekend more than once a year. I have been planning a "sister" weekend for Christmas shopping with my sister and 5 sisters-in-laws. We are all great friends, so this counts as a girls weekend. My oldest and dearest girlfriends are all far from me, two are about a hour away the other two are in California. It is a real treat to plan a weekend together. The last weekend was in New York City in June of 2009. I hadn't visited there since I was pregnant with my first child, and it was also a visit with my girlfriends. I was so excited to see my friends and explore the changes in the big city.

Patti and I arrived from the East coast and Kelly came in from the West coast. Instead of waiting for our West Coast friend in the hotel bar with a cosmo, we threw our stuff in the room and headed straight to Macys in Union Square. There are at least two floors of shoes and that is where I made my bee line. I was determined to find something that I couldn't buy in New Hampshire. I soon found that my taste did not match my wallet and that my taste did not match my lifestyle, so I took my expectations down a notch. I bought a the pair of Michael Kors sandals pictured above. I could afford them and I could actually wear them in my N.H. life. What I love about these is that they say, "You are both practical and fashionable." They conjure up images of cabanas and drinks with umbrellas, but they are perfectly acceptable to wear on the playground or the soccer field. These say, "You love fashion and it has a place in your everyday life." This is not always what I am looking for in a shoe, but this is what I spoke to me on that late June afternoon in NYC. I'm glad they did because I love them.

I had a wonderful time reconnecting with my best girlfriends. We did drink cosmos in the hotel bar (after shoe shopping), we wandered Greenwich Village (we found it is no longer the "cool" place to be- that is now the Meatpacking District), we ate fabulous Italian food, Mexican food, and vendor food (a girl's gotta eat when shopping). We watched the Cuban-American Pride parade (such people watching I have NEVER seen), we wandered in and out of shops on 5th avenue in which we couldn't afford a used hankie, we watched a fabulous off Broadway show called "Love, Loss and What I Wore." W got really crazy and saw a midnight showing of "Sex and the City 2" where people actually talk back to the characters on the screen. (BAD movie, by the way...very disappointing but entertaining with a NYC crowd.) We packed in all that we could during our 48 hours pass from reality including the most important thing; staying up and talking until the wee hours of the morning. It was just what the girly- girl soul requires every year or so.

I have my fabulous summer NYC flip flops to remind me of that wonderful weekend. Now when I wear them they say "You have fashionable taste, great friends and good times." They sure as hell beat a NYC snow globe as a souvenir. I am looking forward to planning a girls weekend in Chicago this fall. It has been two years since we have all been together and I am positive that I will find renewal, connection and another pair of absolutely fabulous shoes. I can't wait!

All Politics Is Local

Over the last decade or so it feels to me like American politics has become a swampy mess of incivility. We have all heard the name calling, the personal attacks and the outright lies shot back and forth across the right and left bow of the electorate. When the last presidential election cycle was over, I was so relieved to see the end of the nasty, tiresome political ads. They exhausted me with their simplistic messages and personal attacks wrapped up in a patriotic red, white and blue bow. It would be so is easy to pass this off as"Washington" as usual, but it is not. It is a symptom of a much larger problem. Each "side" has their political pundits who make a living off of cheap shots, distortions and mean spirited jokes. These pundits are celebrities with thousands, if not millions of fans and followers. The messages of intolerance and outright hate have become so commonplace that were rarely pay much attention to them anymore. The deluge of this type of discourse is taking its toll. We are slowly devolving into a culture of angry, intolerant, plain old mean people. How do I know this? Just take a look at my local school board.

I pride myself on living in a well educated, literate community. There are professors, doctors, lawyers, business owners and every type of conceivable professional living within the confines of my community. I see many kind, interesting people at my elementary school, the sporting fields and the local farmers' market. As in all politics, local, state and national, a big controversy cropped up. It began brewing for a while and them then it boiled over. I don't know all the intricate details, nor do I need to for the purposes of my point. I do know that things got ugly. Not just run of the mill, "we are no longer friends ugly," but criminal prosecuting, threatening ugly. I have been told that members of the school board have been threatened with physical harm as well as told their homes would be burned by angry and disgruntled citizens. This to me is absolutely inconceivable. What happened to educated, literate community in which I live?! I am convinced it is a direct result of the times in which we live. It is a time when it is easier to send hate thorough a laptop than it is to actually sit down with someone in a room and have a civil discussion. It is a time in which children send mean, nasty messages over a website or in a text message instead of standing in the hallway at school and looking each other in the eye. It is a time in which it is easier to hate someone without knowing them. It is socially acceptable. Just turn on your local t.v. or radio news channel and listen to the commentary.

What is this doing to our community? It is creating rifts, fear and anger. There is no getting around the fact that some issues are going to push emotional buttons. That doesn't change the fact that everyone in this community are in the same virtual boat. We all live here. We all want a safety, security and peace. We want our children to be accepted, to be educated and to be happy. We want to walk down our small main street or through our local market and have the people we recognize say hello, be friendly and be polite. The only way we can accomplish this is with civility. All of us that are involved with local politics are adults. We sit at the big kids table. We pay our taxes, we raise our children, we care for our elderly parents. We know right from wrong. In the words of every kindergarten teacher that ever taught, treat people the way you want to be treated. Just because someone is an elected official, it doesn't give anyone the right to threaten them, harass them or instill fear in them. It is our right, our civic responsibility, to question each and every person we elect on any issue we find troublesome. It is also our moral obligation to do so with civility. It takes much more strength to see someone we don't agree with, even someone who makes us boiling mad, as a human being with the same aspirations, frailties and needs as we have. When we do that, a real conversation can take place. We can understand each other's point of view, yet still disagree. We can compromise, or decide we cannot. But at least we can have the discourse that would make our mother's, our children and ourselves proud.

In the end, it is up to each and every one of us to decide not only the type of community we want to be a part of, but the type of America in which we live. Freedom of speech is a precious, God-given right, but it does have its limits, for a very good reason. We need to live together. We can't get around that. We need each other. If you don't think so, think back to 911 and Hurricane Katrina. Did anyone care to which political party the victims belonged? Did everyone question the voting record of the dead before lighting and candle in our windows or wearing a ribbon on our chest? Did we stop and decide if we liked everything about those who lost everything before donating money, time and effort to rebuild those who were destroyed? No. My America is that America. At the very least, let's all try to remind ourselves of that at the next school board meeting.

*more information on this topic can be found at:

"Speak Your Peace: The Civility Project"

www.speakyourpeacewc.org

"Do You Light Up?" A Life Lesson On Motherhood From Toni Morrison

"Do You Light Up?"

We see ourselves reflected through the light of the ones we love.

I just heard the most important question any mother can ever ask herself. I, like most mothers, think that my kids know I love them. I kiss them goodnight, I hug them goodbye, I make sure they are washed, fed and clothed and I go the extra mile for whatever they might want or need. I thought that this was enough to convey the message that they are loved and wanted, that they are important and special, that they are enough just by being them. That's what I thought, at least until now.

I was watching an Oprah episode today on my DVR. It seems like it would be interesting enough, as it was about all the most important lessons from her 25 years on the air. My breath was taken away by this little snippet of a conversation between Oprah, Toni Morrison (Pulitzer Prize winning author) and a room of other women whom I didn't recognize. The conversation seemed to flow like a million conversations we have all experienced before as women. The topic was gently but naturally turned to the unexpected. Toni was describing how when her children enter a room, she would check them out from head to toe: is their hair combed, is the fly up, are the socks on, etc. This is an act of love and care from a mother. She knew instinctively that is why she was doing it, after all, if she didn't care she wouldn't bother. Somehow she thought that was the instinctive message her children were receiving. Nothing could have been further from the truth. What her children would see would be her "scrutiny" face. The message they would receive from this once over is, "What is wrong and how do I fix it?" They would not be feeling her love or her caring, only her judgment. The ultimate message they receive is that they must meet some standard set by mother to be validated. This was never the message she intended to send, but it was sent nonetheless.

I have spend 40 years on a quest to accept myself as enough. I had a breakthrough in 2009 during a retreat at Kirpalu. I saw, in a meditation image, as clear and real as anything before my eyes now, a divine message that I was enough. Just being alive, just caring for my family, just having a heart full of love and compassion, was enough. I didn't need to be saving the world, earning a great deal of money or completing thousands of impossible tasks. I didn't need to prove anything to myself or anyone else. I was enough. That moment of clarity has given me much need validation, comfort and peace. It is a message I had never heard before nor had I ever really believed. I do not know why that was the case, is just was. Knowing that I am enough has shifted my life perspective, changed how I see myself, and what I want from this life. If I could wish one thing for all those that I love, it would be this divine knowledge.

I am a very stressed mother. I have four boys and they keep me running from one thing to the next with little time to breathe in between. I do four or five loads of laundry each day, prepare at least three meals (take out counts!) supervise baths, homework and clean-up, provide rides to activities, referee disputes, kiss boo-boos and read bedtime stories. I am exhausted at the end of each and every day. Sometimes the kids don't listen. Sometimes I a sick of all the bickering. Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers because I do not one more person asking me to do something, find something or fix something. I am often edgy, grumpy and snappish because I feel like I am moving at a million miles an hour and getting nowhere. I often wonder how my stress level is affecting my children. Do they only see Mom as harried, nagging and tired? Do they know that I am killing myself with all of this because of how much I love them? Maybe. Maybe Not.

So, the question becomes, "Do I light up?" Toni asks us if when our children enter the room, do we light up? Does the light in our eyes shine for the children we have brought into this world? Is it clear that we are happy to see them? Do these little people get the message that they are enough just by being present in our lives? If we can save the judgment, the stress, the tasks for only a few seconds, until after we "light up" we can give them the world. We can save them from a life long search for validation because they will know that just by being they are enough. More than anything else we can provide for them, this is the most important thing we can give our children. More important than new clothes, more important than running around to sporting events, music lessons and play dates, more important than cutting their fingernails, cleaning their faces and tying their shoes. We can light up for them.

We see ourselves reflected through the light of the ones we love.

Light up for those you love today.

Do I Really Want to Go Back to Work?!?

I am a lawyer. I worked my ass off in college (ok, the last 2 years) and in law school. I worked even harder to pass the bar. Lest there be any confusion, there is absolutely no relation between the two. I was never so proud of myself as I was in the moment I found out I passed the bar. I was a lawyer, damn it! I had a license to kick your ass in a court of law if you crossed me. It was a feeling I cannot adequately describe. It was one of power, prestige and accomplishment all rolled into one big hot fudge sundae. Never mind that I didn't have a job at the time. I was a force to be reckoned with.

I finally did get a job. I worked as an indigent criminal defense lawyer. I worked as an appellate defender. I worked as a divorce lawyer. I worked as a criminal prosecutor. I even ran a domestic violence unit as a prosecutor. It was hard work; time consuming, emotionally draining, frustrating and totally exhilarating. I was a tough lawyer who loved the adrenalin of the courtroom. I couldn't image doing anything else, well, except for being a buyer for Saks.

Fast forward to today. It has been an unbelievable eight years since I was a practicing lawyer. I have been through all types of emotional phases since then. I worked through denial; Yes, I am am home with the children, but I am a lawyer. I worked through anger; Why the hell am I at home with these kids? What the hell did I do to myself? I worked through embarrassment; I used to be a lawyer (i.e. I'm really smart and I want you to know it because if I didn't work it into the conversation, you wouldn't be impressed with me as a stay-at-home mom.) I am now in the acceptance phase; I have chosen this life and I am relatively content with it. It took me two trips to the yoga retreat center, a healthy medicine chest and more than a few retail therapy trips, but I am here and accepting. Yet, in the back of my mind, I am often questioning why it has been so difficult to get back to work. I want to go back to work, right?

I recently offered to help my sister with a sticky employment situation. After all, I was a tough lawyer. If she couldn't negotiate her way through it, I certainly could swoop in and fix it all. As she signed a release for me to talk to her powers that be, my husband commented that it was my license to yell at people on her behalf. We all laughed. Who knew how prophetic those joking words would become.

I was absolutely shocked with the condescending, arrogant manner in which I was treated while trying to iron out the situation for my sister. In the eight years that have intervened between my last job and that moment on the phone, I had totally blocked out the down side of being a lawyer. I'd forgotten how contentious it could be. I didn't think about the lack of collegiality, common courtesy and simple human kindness that accompanies many attorneys when facing off on opposite sides of an issue. To come to my current state of acceptance, I have worked a great deal on the idea of kindness and compassion as the foundation for a happy life. If happiness is what I am truly seeking, I'm not so sure I will find any shadow of it in returning to the practice of law. After hanging up the telephone upon the conclusion of this latest conversation, it took me two hours to calm down. I was furious! How could someone talk to me that way?! Who the hell did she think she was?! On top of it all, I couldn't even fix the problem for her. I was a running buzz saw and God help anyone who crossed my path!

Then it hit me. She probably talks to dozens of people that way every week during the course of her job. She is a product of what she does and how she goes about doing it. I am not her, God willing, I will never be. Did I really want to get all worked up over ever little legal battle? Did I want to spend all my time and energy arguing over small details, nuances and shades of meaning? I knew in one of those "A-Ha Moments" that Here is much better than There after all. I'm sure that is why my job search has not born fruit. I am not meant to go back to that at this point in my life. I am content to wait and see what I am meant to do. I'm sure it will hold intellectual stimulation, a sense of accomplishment and most importantly, the pursuit of happiness.