The Tyranny of Should

I, like most "good" and "responsible" people have lived my life by the power of SHOULD. I perceived should to be a substitute for a moral compass. After all, all the things I should do were good for me, just like eating my vegetables. I should go to college, I should finish my dinner before dessert, I should clean the bathroom. When in doubt, I most always take the path of should. My obligations and my duties ruled the thinking judging side of my brain and therefore, most of my life. If I was feeling particularly rebellious, I would leave the should undone and do something else: sleep, shop, read. I would feel guilty like the big parent in the sky was going to come stand over me with a disapproving stare. Following the should ultimately feels safe for me. What I never recognized, until now, was that should abdicates choice.

Don't misunderstand me, should can be a powerfully positive guide. No one should touch a hot stove, walk blind across a busy street or drive while intoxicated. Should can save your life. Should can also overtake it. I never thought much about my shoulds except when I was viscerally rebelling against them. I know I should clean the bathroom but I absolutely hate it to the point I often gag while doing it. (One of the unspoken joys of having four boys.) I know I should exercise but there are times I would rather poke my eye out with a stick than move my butt off the couch. I should, I should, I should. It is a mantra that I repeat a million times a day but it is a mantra that never takes me to a place of mediation or relaxation. It gets stuff done. Fine. But I rarely stop to ask if what I should do is what I want to do.

What do I want to do? What do I want to do? Whoa. What do I want to do?!? What a radical concept! In the context of motherhood, type A personality, approval seeking and the need to conform, this is an absolutely radical question. There are choices? Possibilities? There is such a feeling of freedom in asking what I want to do. I can ask myself what I want. I can stop and think about my next step without mechanically moving on to the next task, the next step on the to-do list, the next fulfillment of someone else's expectation. Part of me balks at this revelation. How selfish! So many people need me. So many people depend upon me. Yes, they do and some shoulds are set in stone. What I have never given myself permission to understand that not all shoulds are set in stone.

How many people, especially women, never stop to ask what they want. We rarely ask ourselves the smaller questions: what do I really want to eat, what task do I really want to do, what is it I need in this moment at this time. We especially have difficulty asking the larger questions: is this relationship really what I want for myself, is this career in any way fulfilling, what do I truly want to do with my life. The shoulds are easier. We can plod along the path of should and numb ourselves without experiencing the full breadth and width of our lives. Now that my eyes are open, I am joyous to learn that I have choices. I have the right, the chance, the power to a make a selection of the various options that are open to me. I am claiming my power. There is nothing like the freedom of spirit that claiming our power delivers.

Life is too short, to precious to go through it without claiming it. I should make more choices, both large and small. I should move forward and fully into myself. I should come home to who I am. I embrace this particular should. More importantly, I choose this should.

Don't you just love choices?!