I was listening to a radio program this morning in which the purported "expert" defined friendship. He said if you are ever charged with a heinous crime, your friend(s) will be there in court to support you no matter what the personal cost. Something about that didn't quite sit right with me, so I thought about it most of the day. I agree that true friendship is defined in the moments of tragedy, upheaval and crisis. I don't necessarily agree that a true friend must be defined in such a selfless, "black-and-white" manner.

Life is complicated and we all have ties stretching in various and often opposing directions. Many of us have jobs that require, either by written contract or unwritten rule, us to be discreet and noncontroversial. Standing by your friend in such a public way in a very ugly and public situation could cost you your livelihood. Many of us cannot weather a financial storm for the sake of a friend, as we are collectively hanging onto the edge as it is with mortgages, car payments, and the other myriad of debts we Americans carry. I wouldn't hold it against my friend for staying home if the fire got too hot. I have to see things from my friend's perspective before I can make a judgement. True compassion is both elusive and challenging, but it is a key ingredient in the creation of real, lasting friendship.

I did stop to think about who I would count as my real friends. I think I am fortunate to have a handful of people in my life, beyond my husband and close family, that would help me through difficult, uncomfortable and emotionally taxing times. These people that come to mind have very similar qualities even though they live very different looking lives. My friends are real. What I mean by that, is what you see is what you get. There is very little artifice, pretense or hidden agenda in most everything they do, say and undertake. I don't have to guess at what they feel, what they need or who they are, even if we don't agree. My friends are intelligent and curious. They are the kind of people who are almost always interested in learning something new. This isn't always easy; it can be messy when new ideas bump up against long held beliefs, but they are willing to learn and ultimately judge for themselves. My friends are loyal. I don't ever worry about what my real friends are saying about me or if they are judging me. My friends are honest, yet tactful. If there is a problem, it might not always be easy to talk about it, but we do. If there is something I am doing or saying that makes me look foolish, stubborn or mean, they can be counted on to point it out so I can correct it or just own it. My friends love a good laugh. It doesn't matter if we are laughing at our misfortunes, our situations or ourselves, we manage to find the humor in just about anything. It isn't always the first impulse, but it is the last. I love laughing with my friends about something that has really made me unhappy, angry or depressed. It makes all the crap we have to bear so much easier to take. Most importantly, my friends are unafraid to love. My friends, whether they are demonstrative or shy, have a well of love and support they can tap any time I need it. A kind word, a warm hug or even a concerned look is often all I need to turn my perspective around, lift my mood and my spirit.

"True friendship is never serene." I believe that with all my soul. I cannot have a real friendship without give and take. I love to give of myself; share my thoughts, my emotions, my home and my sense of humor. To do this, it guarantees some eyebrows will be raised. Friends don't always have to be comfortable, but they do have to be comforting. Friendship takes real work on both ends. Maybe that is why in this age of instant messaging, instant credit and instant gratification, so many people are wondering why they feel so alone and lonely. If you don't work at making and keeping real friends life may be "serene" and "calm" but it certainly lacks color, light and vibrancy.

In short, we chose our friends by the virtues we value most. I value compassion, honesty, curiosity and warmth above all else. I don't care what the package looks like, what number the bank account reads or how many degrees are framed on the wall. Just let me get to know someone who is funny, smart, warm and direct and I guarantee we will become fast friends.