The "Luscious, Comfort, Creative Retreat" and the Gifts From Jennifer Louden

I just returned from Kripalu where I participated in a women's retreat. This was no ordinary women's retreat, this was the "Luscious, Creative, Comfort Retreat." Isn't that a fabulous title?! As soon as I saw this on the Kripalu website, I knew I had to go. If you know anything about me, you know that anything with the word "luscious" in the title is definitely something that speaks to me.

I recently came out of tremendously painful bout of depression. This is the second time in my life that the shadowy monster of clinical depression has reared it's ugly head. The first time, I was 28 years old, newly married and a mess. I had no idea why I was totally negative, couldn't stop crying and why my mind was spinning out of control. Although I would complain to anyone who would listen that I now lived in Dover, N.H., I was there for a reason. I finally figured out that I needed help and I turned to the Center for Eating Disorder Management. This was the only place of its kind in Maine or New Hampshire. It just so happened to exist in Dover, five or six blocks from my apartment. The women there were simultaneously a life saver, a marriage saver and a sanity saver. I was diagnosed with clinical depression (relief! a name for what I was going through!) put on medication, sought individual therapy and worked with a nutritionist. This was the first time in 28 years I learned anything about my needs for meditation, self care and the illusive yet critical dynamic of the perfectly match of therapist and patient. This smart, compassionate and no-nonsense woman introduced me to "The Women's Comfort Book." I used it in therapy and then for years after to reinforce the insights I gained in therapy. That book brought me comfort, showed me I was not alone and that it was an absolute necessity to prioritize caring for myself. This book's author was Jennifer Louden.

Flash forward sixteen years later. In between time, I gave birth to four beautiful boys, changed careers four times (coincidence, I think not...), bought my first house, my first minivan and joined my first PTA. Life had moved forward at a super-charged pace, brought with it unexpected changes and new experiences but depression had not been much of an issue. I had learned from that first painful episode that my depression was nothing to mess around with. I took it very seriously and, in turn, I managed its effects very well. Out of nowhere....Wham! What the hell was wrong with me? Was it winter blues? Was it peri-menopause? Why was I so tired, so lethargic, so disinterested? Why didn't I want to get out of bed or get off the couch? Most importantly, why couldn't I stop alternating between yelling and crying? As with all chronic medical conditions, as the body ages and changes, everything must be examined, explored and tweaked to assure maximum therapeutic effect of prescribed relief. About a month and half later on new medication levels, rest and complete support from my husband I was climbing back out of the dark, lonely abyss.

With the long, slow, uphill climb comes the slow return to self. I began reaching out to friends and family again. I began getting out of the house again. I even took up exercise again. Things were looking better, but I felt I needed something more. I needed renewal. Since I experienced such a wonderful feeling of self acceptance and renewal at my first ever retreat* I thought I should look into finding another one. I logged into the Kirpalu website and there was that "luscious" title. I reached out to my sisters-in-law to see if they would care to join me. My dear sister-in-law, Amy, thought it was a perfect idea. We prepared to go. Well I did, sort-of.

As with most women everywhere, life kept getting in the way of what I wanted to do. I didn't sign up for the retreat right away. Even after I did, I didn't review the content of the retreat right away. Once I finally managed to squeeze that in, I was blown away! Jennifer Louden was the facilitator, the fearless leader, the Goddess extraordinaire at the helm of this "luscious" retreat. The same Jennifer Louden who wrote the book that helped me with my first debilitating taste of depression. I am a firm believer that if you open yourself up, the Universe will supply you with all that you need. I needed Jennifer's guidance again and I was granted that gift once again. She, for the second time, helped restore my balance, my creativity and my sanity. I have found that she is my unwitting yet undeniable guardian angel.

As for the retreat itself, it was, as expected, extremely comforting and wonderfully creative. "Luscious" though? That word drew me in, but I had my doubts that a women's retreat could live up to the hype. After all, for me, "luscious" evokes all things luxurious: a soft cashmere sweater, a decadent chocolate souffle, a warm, fragrant massage. It turns out that I learned a new and decidedly better definition of luscious. It looks like this:

The end of the retreat was capped with a request from Jennifer to declare, in one sentence, what we, individually, would take away from this experience. After a few moments thought, we were guided to a corner of the room where chairs were set in a circle, half as many chairs as participants. We were invited to sit or stand. Those standing were asked to stand directly behind someone seated. With soft music playing in the background, we were invited to whisper in the ear of our seated partner our declaration. We then moved slowly around the circle, repeating our declaration to ourselves in the form of a whisper to each woman seated. Our last moments together were a powerful exchange of giving and receiving. Giving of our new found wisdom: "I am enough just as I am." "I can say no." "I give myself permission to lower my expectations." "I will put my needs first." "I will ask myself what it is I want." "I am powerful." "I can do anything." Receiving these messages of essential truths and having them replace all the negative, nasty thoughts I torture myself with on a daily basis was one of the most luxurious, luscious and beautiful experiences of my life.

So, here I am, back in my reality. Its only been nine hours since I left, and it feels like a lifetime has passed. I have done laundry, given baths, and washed dishes. Yet, I have done so with a lighter, fuller heart. It has been several months since I felt any urge to write, since I felt that I had anything worthwhile to say, since I wanted to share anything creative of myself with the world. I go forth into much the same routine as before I left, but with a new purpose and new perspective. I am powerful. I have a great deal to say and the urge to say it. I need only remember the essential truths whispered so lovingly in my ear. It is true that great things happen when a group of thoughtful, curious and compassionate women meet as strangers and leave as friends.

Thank you, Jennifer Louden.

* My first retreat was in September of 2010 entitled "Women, Food and God: The Weekend Retreat" facilitated by Geneen Roth. Loved, loved, loved it.