I undertook a 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge at the start of this September. I am happy to say that I completed 29 of the 30 days. I am also frustrated that something got in my way of full completion, but sometimes that's the price one pays for being a Mom. Kids always come first. That said, I was surprised myself with the determination I felt to complete this challenge. Somewhere along the way I realized that it has been a very long time since I have challenged myself with anything substantial. Seeing how fast I can do mounds of laundry or how much frustration I can take without blowing a gasket is not quite the same thing as passing the bar exam or swaying a jury to a favorable verdict. This, like most difficult things I have undertaken by choice, was "all about me." What that actually meant was a lesson in and of itself.When the challenge was presented to me during a intermittent yoga class, I thought it would be a great way to jump start some weight loss. My pants were getting a bit too tight and I wanted to do something about it. That was really the extent of my thought process. After the first week, I was comfortably fitting into my clothes. That is where the superficiality of the challenge ended and the real work began.
Bikrim Yoga is all about the mind and very little to do with the body. This appears ridiculous on its face; just look at the yogis in the above postures. Nevertheless, it is the essential truth of yoga. I have never been one to sit still. People close to me have often remarked wryly that I have no idea how to relax. I am always busy, always moving, always on to the next thing to accomplish. The yoga is about staying in the moment with nothing but yourself and the voice of the instructor. No crutches, no excuses, no distractions. Ugh. This can be next to impossible for me. Random thoughts run through my head just as they do when I attempt mediation. "What should I make for dinner?"- "Who needs clean underwear?"-- "Why the hell does it have to be so damn hot in here?!"- "Why can't my body look like hers!?!"- "Oh, look, a fly on the wall"... You know the drill. My mind does not want to turn off. This is because within the stillness is the ultimate expression of self care. God knows I want to take care of everyone but myself. Yet, when I neglect myself, I am unable to care for anyone, especially myself. Most women I know are this living, breathing paradox.
I also found that I am not quite as strong as I believed and yet, stronger than I knew. When a particular class was not going well, when I could not shut my mind off, I wanted to bolt. "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Geneen Roth taught me that. There is much to learn in exploring the reasons for wanting to bolt from the room, the situation, the feeling. I often want to bolt because I want the easy way out. I don't want to do the hard work, to look in the damn mirror, or to "just breathe through it." I want it done and over. I want to wallow in the difficulty. It's hard, damn it. In this way, I am a bit of a princess. I want others to see how hard I am trying. I want it all without having to kill myself to get it. So, there were days I when I bolted. But, I always came back. I didn't have to come back, but I needed to, thus, I am stronger than I believed.
I learned some insightful and unexpected things from these classes. One of the most profound and interesting to me was the power of the human voice. Did you ever see a photograph of someone or meet someone in person that you only heard on the phone or on the radio? More often than not, that person is never what you imagined. I think that the human voice carries with it a true reflection of the human soul, if only you listen closely enough. I had the opportunity to listen intently for 90 minutes to many different instructors. I did not watch them very much and I hardly know them outside the context of the yoga room. However, I am certain that I know a great deal about the real person that each of them is- who they are at their essence. One instructor is often referred to as "tough" in the drill sergeant sense of the term. I think that is the last thing she is. Yes, she is serious about what she is teaching. She believes in doing it the right way and making us do it that right way every time without excuses. Yet for me, what really comes through is the underlying compassion and caring she has for the individuals in the room. She really cares if we are healthy and happy. This isn't because she pretends to give a crap about our bellyaching; its just the opposite. This is why she is "tough." The essence of her being can be heard in the inflections and the intensity of her voice. The goodness of her soul is in the room when she speaks.
There is another instructor who recites the yoga cues with joy. When she is teaching she loves what she is doing and you can hear it in every word. She doesn't giggle, crack jokes or do any of the other things that we do in a normal day-to-day expression of happiness. You simply hear joy in her voice. On the days when I want to bolt and she is teaching, I don't. She makes me believe that it is a joy to be in the room even when my body is screaming that it is not. This is why I think that some voices don't match the faces we imagine. In this case, she appears to be a very serious, strong, intense woman. To look at her without hearing her, you would not necessarily think "joy." However, I believe that what we hear is the true expression of "what is on the inside." It is a true test of "seeing" what matters by hearing what is the essence of the individual. With no visual, there is nothing to shield us from our voices- no phony smiles, no half-hearted understanding nods, no fake looks of heartfelt concern. I invite you to try this more in your daily life. I think that you will find that pretty packages really don't guarantee a beautiful person.
Another unexpected thing I found is that pain is what you believe it to be. No more. No less. Real pain cannot be ignored. Injury and illness will not let you continue in the hot room. I have been driven out twice in six months with a stomach virus and once with back pain so intolerable that I was literally crying into my yoga mat. One has to deal with real pain. I had to stop to deal with the problem, to heal and then move forward. The other kind of "pain" is all in my head. And, boy, my head likes to win in an argument with my body. Once I fixate on discomfort- the heat in the room, the dryness in my throat, the ache in my muscles- I am hard pressed to move beyond it. In this way I was surprised to find I carried with me more than a bit of weakness. After all, I was ready to complete quasi-military training at Quantico, Virgina. I was a preliminary hire with the F.B.I. in 2000. I now wonder if I would have made it through the training. Would I have given in to the discomfort? Would the mental challenges undo my ambition or would I have persevered? There is no way to know, but I do know that I would have struggled mightily. At the time, that is something that I just would not have expected.
I also learned that nothing is all about me. Putting myself first entails a great deal of support from many people. My husband, first and foremost, is the reason I can search for my best self. Without his support, without him getting into the trenches and taking on more than he has to and the fact that I know he is glad to do it, I could not have done this. I also realize that there has been a great many things that I thought I did on my own but he really has supported me in doing. The secret of his success is his humility, unwavering support and deep and abiding love. Who knew that a yoga class could make a marriage stronger? It did. For that alone, I will be forever grateful.
What I learned was that this 30 day challenge was about self discovery. I have discovered that I have been far from myself for a very long time, maybe even all my life. I have discovered that I want to learn who I am, what I am capable of and what really matters to me. In the stillness between the postures, in the heat of the room, I can hear my authentic self. I haven't heard her over the noise of what everyone else wants, what every else expects and what I myself produce out of fear. The sound of my authentic self still isn't heard very often and when she is heard, she is very faint, but I am learning to listen. I am not quite sure what she is trying to tell me or what she wants me to understand. With patience, fortitude, support and a great deal of stillness, I hope to hear more. These first 30 days has been only the beginning of a very long and overdue journey. It will be very interesting to see what unfolds and what other truths are revealed.
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